A word or two about listening may help make things easier for you as you move through the divorce process.
What is listening? Charles Petrie formulated this definition of listening; " the composite process by which oral language communicated by some source is received, critically and purposefully attended to, recognized, and interpreted (or comprehended) in terms of past experiences and future expectancies.
In recent years, theorists* have expanded that definition to include the idea that "listening involves receiving information from all of our senses".
Many of the messages we assign meaning to are visual. We listen to more than spoken words.
Consider the four main types of listening:
Discriminatory listening is the basis for all the other forms of listening, and is the ability to discriminate between stimuli. Is the telephone conference at 1 pm Tuesday, or is it Wednesday?
At the traffic light, is it my car making funny noises, or the car next to me?
The degree to which we are successful in recognizing stimulus equals our ability in each type of listening.
Appreciative listening is listening simply because we enjoy it. Music, theater, movies, and television are all available for our appreciation.
If you enjoy what you hear, you're a successful appreciative listener.
Comprehensive listening is usually a function of learning and remembering new information.
We are listening to discern the speaker's words with as much accuracy as is possible, because our goal is to learn and retain the information.
If we meet that goal, our listening experience was successful.
Evaluative listening is listening to gain enough information to make judgments.
Is the property settlement offer fair? Do I want to hire a special advocate? Is it wise to retain this attorney?
Evaluative listening requires going beyond comprehension, and contemplates judgments about the source's competence and intention, as well as the accuracy and completeness of the information.
Empathetic listening is listening to help others. When a friend listens to your feelings about your divorce, or a mediator listens as you discuss your interests, empathetic listening is taking place.
Theorists suggest that there are specific skills required for successfully undertaking comprehensive and evaluative listening.
To listen comprehensively requires the following essential skills:
Recognizing main ideas.
Identifying supporting details.
Recognizing explicit relationships among ideas.
Recalling basic ideas and details.
To critically evaluate what a source is saying requires an additional set of skills:
Attending with an open mind.
Perceiving the speaker's purpose and organization of ideas.
Discriminating between statements of fact and statements of opinion.
Distinguishing between emotional and logical arguments.
Detecting bias and prejudice.
Recognizing the speaker's attitude.
Synthesizing and evaluating by drawing logical inferences and conclusions.
Recalling the implications and arguments.
Recognizing discrepancies between the speaker's verbal and non verbal messages.
Empathetic listening is especially important in improving communication, particularly when emotions are a factor.
The same skills used for comprehensive listening are needed for empathetic listening, with the addition of these guidelines:
Respect the other's point of view.
Make sure you fully understand what the other has said before responding.
Check your understanding by paraphrasing.
When paraphrasing, make sure you express relational as well as content meaning
Conflict is surely related to communication. One's ability to listen effectively is critical to communication, and by extension, to the negotiation process.
*(Trenholm and Jenson, 1992)